I recently came across a truly profound Tony Robbins’ video on five disciplines to a healthy intimate relationship.  Since watching the video, I decided these lessons simply must be typed out, and given to all of my Transformational Coaching clients. I find them simply brilliant.  Lessons are all around us, and as a writer, I am so grateful to get to pass these nuggets on to others.  As I see it, lessons come to us either when we are seeking them, or when they slap us in the face to get our attention.  Personally, I prefer to always be seeking, as I find those lessons that slap you in the face tend to be after the fact, and they often sting a great deal more.

If you have a love in your life, and honestly, I’ve found these lessons can even apply to strengthening my relationship with my dogs, then these disciplines can only help to encourage, or heal, what you have built together.  Having both partners on board is obviously crucial to any relationships’ success, as that is how we are able to hold vulnerability, by trusting our partner is invested, and also doing the internal work necessary to grow the relationship.

  • The Discipline of Unconditional Love and
    Put your partner’s feelings and needs above your own.  Rather than focusing on what you are not getting, or what you feel your partner is not giving you, focus on what they need, and what you are giving to them.  By focusing on our partner, we will often find that our own needs for connection, and validation, are easily filled because of the bond that is being created.  This is about trusting that your partner is doing the same for you, by valuing, respecting, and focusing on your needs, as well.  Give more than you need to receive, and you will always be fulfilled.


  • The Discipline of Absolute Courage and Vulnerability. The more vulnerable you are, the more power you have together in life, because that love can penetrate all.  This means learning to love, no matter what, and maintaining the courage to be vulnerable.  Without exposing your inner self, there is no genuine connection possible.


  • The Discipline of Positive Intent. This means trusting that your partner’s intentions are loving, always.  You can question your partner’s behavior, but never their intentions.  By questioning their intentions, you are destroying the relationship.  We are working to recognize that when our partner says or does something that hurts us, we must look beyond that, to find the underlying meaning.  Perhaps our partner is feeling scared, or frustrated, and what they are saying or doing is simply a reflection of those emotions.  By holding this understanding, this removes blame from the relationship, and fosters a container for vulnerability and honesty.  It helps us gain insight into our partner, and their needs, fears, and desires.  Another nugget of wisdom:  When you apologize, it is more powerful to state: “I am sorry I…,” rather than, “I am sorry you…”


  • The Discipline of Honorable Language and Moment-to-Moment Awareness. This means being consciously aware of how your language, and presence, is impacting your partner.  You find yourself on a tirade, but when you see how it affects your partner, you consciously make a choice to end the behavior, out of love and what you desire overall for your relationship.  This also means making a pact to never use the words: “I hate you.” Or throwing curse words at each other. Most importantly, never threatening to leave.  As Tony Robbins’ says, once someone makes the threat to leave, and that threat continues on and on, eventually someone will.  It has to be banned from your communication.  Remember, too, that there is great power in adoration, love, and praise.  Making that praise specific, rather than general, helps make it more impactful.


  • The Discipline of Giving Freedom. There is power in forgetting, forgiving, and flooding.  “Forgiveness happens when you realize what you thought happened, didn’t really happen.  You give it a meaning that doesn’t really match reality.  Flooding means to, together, give words to the magical moments you have shared, and continually talk about them, to relive those moments and celebrate their grace.  This helps reignite those feelings.  By doing this, you are also setting the bar higher for your future powerful experiences together.”  Love more than your rules, or how you believe love, your relationship, or your partner should be.

I hope you find these wisdoms from Tony Robbins as useful in your life as I have in mine.   I can certainly say that they have enlightened me to growth that I need within myself, as I strive to be the best partner I can be for the ones I deeply love.

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