“Act like you did in the beginning of the relationship, and there won’t be an end.” – Tony Robbins. It dawned on me recently that we all hold strong expectations in our intimate relationships – trying to get our needs met, trying to find balance, trying to offer our best to another. Those expectations, though, are they legitimate? Let’s get a little perspective.
I’ve been calling on myself today to remember simplicity. I remember back in college a professor telling me that I make things more complicated than they need to be. That happens when I get too in my head about the details, and the ‘what ifs,’ and I forget to breathe, take a step back, and get perspective on the situation. Perhaps you can relate to this?
Having just moved in with the love of my life, I am sure you can understand when I say, there is a learning curve. Not just about him, and how he conducts his day-to-day, but me – and how my mind conducts my day-to-day. Recognizing, more obviously, the habits that I have built into my life that were simply time wasters, or emotional dumping grounds, or ultimately, not serving to inspire the life of my truest desires. Ebbing and flowing with another requires us to gain perspective on our behaviors, habits, reactions, triggers, needs, and desires. If I may, I am so incredibly grateful for this self-awareness, as it is coming hand-in-hand with an extraordinary partner.
I felt triggered the other day, and I felt that grim frustration settle over my mind. I knew in my heart it was a trigger, and not a reflection of what was actually happening in my day, but it proved hard to pin-point the source. I felt my reactions being confrontational, and not a genuine reflection of the kind person that I consciously construct to embrace life each day. I share this because, I think it’s important to say, that this is the beauty of spiritual, self-healing work. It’s about embracing what is true, not hiding from it, or shaming ourselves for it, but rather harnessing our inner wisdoms and tools to grow beyond that place so we can actually thrive. Being human is not as pretty as most Facebook walls would have us believe – especially if we’re digging within to stir up what has settled and is blocking the flow within us like a clogged artery.
We were hanging art work in our home the other night, and we kept taking steps back to see the art work from a wider perspective. Many things look different when we take a step back to gain a new perspective. Sometimes we need time for our myopic view to broaden, to enjoy that wider kaleidoscope of possibilities and insight. So, how do you take that metaphoric step back to gain perspective? For me, it’s breathing; preferably deep breaths of fresh air as I engage in a walk, run, or activity outside. Sometimes it’s music; allowing my mind to wander and be filled with a new vantage point through the ride my mind takes with the notes. Inevitably, I usually take a bit of time for a new perspective to settle over me. The trick is what to do in the interim. This is where I am going to suggest simplicity.
Remember back to life as a single person. I want you to remember why you wanted to meet someone in the first place. Remember what it was you were desiring to share with another, and what you would have done to have met that special someone who could make you laugh, make your heart flutter, make you forget to eat or check your email. That person you had in your mind’s eye that would shake up your world, and bring their own perspective in to enliven your own. Can you remember? Can you remember how you treated them in the beginning? How you listened? How you looked on them? How you valued their opinion? Do you still?
It’s easy to lose perspective of what is important as our expectations begin to grow, and the needs we feel, that are often being driven by untended beliefs, begin to dictate our emotional reactions. Awareness is the best ally we have, that and talking with your partner about what you are experiencing. For me, when I am unable to clearly state what is upsetting me, or what I need to ease the situation, that is my indicator that my emotions are being triggered by a past event, that something in the present moment touched upon, and I am no longer operating from my empowered state.
May you find a new perspective to look upon your life, your love, and what it is you are cultivating together.